Did you know that if you were to try to scare me in a really big way, it is likely I would clumsily collapse without control? For some odd reason if I experience pretty much any emotion in a very strong way, I lose complete muscle control for a few seconds. It’s weird. I don’t understand it, but it’s true. I also share this in good faith that you are not in fact going to test my reaction…..
Anyhow, I experience emotions on different levels, fear being one I have realized I can experience in a variety of ways. I’m crazy afraid of heights. I’m afraid of what people think of me. I’m afraid of moths. I’m afraid to drive in the snow. I’m afraid to cook large meats. I’m afraid I’m not a good parent/wife/friend. I’m afraid of the unknown.
Some things can also cross into the line of worry as well. I have battled much anxiety in my life over many things and thoughts and worry usually turns into fear. Over the years though, God has taught me much about fear and anxiety and that He truly can help me overcome it. He has pulled me out of dark places and specifically shown me He is always there waiting for me to give my fears and worries to Him.
I was thinking I had been doing rather well in this area of my life, until we found out Rylie needed major surgery. She needs a spinal fusion. (If that doesn’t sound scary enough, just Google it.) So we schedule the surgery and begin making preparations in our home, and mentally and emotionally. And I’m scared. I’m afraid. Every time I think about it I can’t breathe and I want to cry my eyes out. It’s just so much. I’m so sad for her, and she does not even realize how serious this is. She is just excited to ride the elevator at the hospital and that friends and family are going to come visit her, bless her heart.
So I pray. I pray for God to continue to give me a peace that this is the right thing. For peace that He is still in control. I pray for strength and health and that he will prepare ours and Rylie’s heart. And also for Hudson as he seems to be the most distressed of any of us. He loves his sister fiercely, and cares for her so deeply.
I begin to see Him, and hear Him speak through people to encourage me and to help me know it’s okay. And I still have a weird fear…… I feel honest when I say I’m not afraid of something going wrong, and I’m not afraid of the recovery, but something is still not sitting right, and I’m not quite sure how to deal with it. Then I realize, I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of not having control. Yes, THAT is my fear.
We will drive our daughter to the hospital early one morning and put a gown on her and watch them wheel her away down that long hall while we have absolutely no control. My heart races as I write this, because she has had surgeries before and I know that feeling all to well. It feels like your heart falls out of your body and you need to grab at the air with your hands for breath. They just take her away, and she will look at me with tears in her eyes of fear and bravery all at once, while I know she is trying to understand everything that is taking place. They will take my baby down that hall and I have to trust that they will take care of her for the next few hours. These people whom I hardly know. Rylie I know, will look at us, and while she is afraid, she knows we only do what is best for her, and she trusts us more than anyone. She knows that if we are saying it’s okay to take her, that while she is scared for the moment, it will be okay, because Mommy and Daddy said it would be okay.
This child, she is amazing. I have said it before, but she continues to remind me of our relationship with God. If she can put trust like than in us as her parents on earth, who she knows are not perfect, then how can we even begin to question God? I’m realizing He is so much bigger, and when I ask for peace, He gives me peace, even when I don’t understand. All I have to do is have a willing heart, and ask. He is faithful. He is faithful to give me peace even when it doesn’t make sense and I have nothing left to control.
So specifically, I will now be praying for peace beyond my understanding about losing all control and knowing He is there. He will be with her in the surgery, He will be with us all, and He is the one who is ultimately in control!
“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!””
-Romans 8:15
(She is scheduled for surgery Monday, March 2nd if you would like to join us in prayer:))
Valiant 