“I KNEW you were going to make that face!” stated my then 7 year old as he turned to get in the car. Oh wow. Talk about a kick in your gut…
I’ve always been told I have a face of many expressions. I also do not hide my emotions well. What you see on my face is exactly what I’m feeling. I’m not sure if it’s a gift, talent, trait, or curse. But it is what it is.
See, the thing is, when I am all by myself in the car, or at home, I’ve recently caught myself rolling my eyes or glaring or giving looks of disgust. Sometimes it is towards the obnoxious pile of laundry staring at me. Sometimes it is at the person in the car in the fast lane going 5 miles under the speed limit. But sometimes, actually many times, it is towards a loved one. Someone in my family. I have even caught myself pulling a nasty face after I thought my husband had turned around, only to hear him say “What are you upset about??” WHAT?! I exclaim? What do you MEAN, why am I upset?? While thinking, “How on earth did he know about my facial expression??…..”
Then there is that rude awakening of the little mirror that reflects my severe facial contortions. It’s super creepy because it will follow me around and pull a face just when I least expect it. Sometimes it even waits to leave the room and I turn around and catch it! It’s my living mirror- my child! The first time I caught him doing it, I was so hurt and thought, “where on EARTH did you learn how to……oh, wait… He has seen me do it!” And then he mutters! Oh no!! He mutters!! I did not even realize I talked to myself so much, especially when I was frustrated. Then I started to catch myself doing it quite often. Which then led me down a rabbit trail of questioning my sanity…..
Anyhow, I begin feeling like the worst parent ever! I never wanted to be that parent with a child who picked up weird or disturbing behaviors. Yet here I was, with my little mirror. Every time he would get in trouble, I would now not only have to reprimand him for the crime at hand, but now for the muttering. And the cheesy, sneaky, sarcastic faces!
Wow. So, I do not know when I started this terrible habit. But I know I MUST stop! And now, not only do I have to discipline myself to stop, I now have to work extra hard to explain and teach my son why it’s wrong and help him to get out of this habit!
This has been a harsh reminder of not only how difficult it can be to break bad habits, but also how easily we unintentionally instill these habits into our own children! Their little minds are SO impressionable when they are young and they are so very quick to pick up even on the slightest of behaviors.
This, among other things has caused me to really reflect and try to begin the painful process of refining. It’s something I can only do through the power of Jesus. But thank God His mercies are new every morning and I can start again tomorrow!
These things take time. I wish I could wipe everything clean and start over tomorrow, but I can’t. I have to keep going from where I left off – but in the smallest decisions every day is where my victory lies. The more I take captive and control my tongue (or face!), the more I am patient and quicker to think than speak or act, then the more I can begin to make progress in changing my overall attitude.
I want so desperately for my kids to grow up having an example of following Jesus and constantly reflecting Him. I am however having to come to terms with the fact that I am imperfect, and unfortunately they will witness a lot of my downfalls and less than graceful attempts to recover from a face pull or roll of the eye. I guess it’s how I react in those broken moments and the growth that could come from it that matters most. That while they see an imperfect mommy, they have the comfort of knowing she trusts and runs to someone who is perfect and forgiving. I pray they will begin to naturally run to Him too, and realize His deep love for them.
God help me to mirror you and your love in all I do! Amen.
Valiant 